


a stranger is just a friend you haven't punched (yet)

by Missy



Category: Emperor's New Groove (2000)
Genre: Beginnings, F/M, First Meetings, Humor, Post-Canon, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 23:14:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5516783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At Chicha's insistence and in the wake of Yzma's kittenification, Kuzco hires a secretary.  But they've met before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a stranger is just a friend you haven't punched (yet)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [magpieinthesky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/magpieinthesky/gifts).



The plot was hatched over a pile of laundry. More precisely: the river-soaked shorts he’d left out haphazardly to dry, which Chicha had washed along with the family’s delicates out of the kindess of her heart. At least the first time it happened. By the third time she decided to broach the subject as he stood by her and watched her fold and press his clothing.

“Kuzco, I think it’s time you thought about finding somebody who’d be happy to wash your underwear for you.” Chicha said.

“Soo you think I should hire a maid?” he asked.

“A maid wouldn’t put up with the messes you make,” she said. “I think you should try to find an assistant.”

“A Kronk-type assistant?” he scoffed. “No way! You saw how that turned out for him! The poor guy almost died – and he still hasn’t finished sorting the mail I gave him before I went all llama-y.”

“Well, send word around that you need somebody tough, efficient and smart. Who likes cats.” Then, almost as an afterthought, she added, “MEAN cats.”

&&&&&

Kuzco started the auditions a day later, passing through several applicants instantly because they ‘looked like they had an attitude worse than mine’. That narrowed the field down to a few chosen people – a bunch of village girls who were too young to leave home, a few older women who were feisty enough to have outlived nearly everybody in their families and were raring for a second start, and then a very familiar, very formerly-biddable-and-now-incredibly-angry face.

The woman who was once ‘Bride prospect number six’ in Kuzco’s big black book of possibilities stood before him, no longer heavily made up, and minus the hopeful smile she’d worn when they’d first met.

“Soooo…” he said, “what makes you think you’d be a good assistant?”

“I’m good at taking orders from jerks,” she declared.

“I didn’t order you to do anything…waaait!” he raised an eyebrow. “If you came here to make fun of me I can take it. I’m the new, improved and all-nice Kuzco, baby! Lay it on me.”

“After you rejected me I went home to my village and they made me a laughingstock. I couldn’t find a husband, and they wouldn’t let me work – they thought I was deformed, or screwed up in some weird way. So I had to move all the way to a new village where nobody knew me and scrounge around for a job an idiot could do. Long story short, someone told me you had an opening and boom, here I am.”

“Aww. If you know how to file and keep an appointment book I might consider taking you on. But I’ve got one question for you – how do you feel about handling evil talking cats who may or may not be plotting to kill me in my sleep?”

“Anything would be better than what I’ve had to live though these past few months. I’m – I used to be – Princess Amaiya.”

“Iiii think you’re going to regret saying that,” he said.

And he had no clue how very right he was.

&&&&&

The trip home was boring enough to make Kuzco wish for a bit of chaos. His eyes scanned the objects surrounding him: Plants, plants, trees, plants, puma, angry assistant trying to kill him with her eyes, plants, rocks, trees.

“Can you ask Kronk if he can make this thing go faster?” he asked. 

“He pulled off the road two hours ago to talk to an ocelot,” said Amiya. “We’ve been sitting here staring at rocks for hours.”

“Hmm…maybe we should get out and give it a pushy-push.”

“If you mean ‘we’ by that, you can forget it and do it yourself. These hands don’t get dirty for anybody!”

“Not with that kind of attitude.” Kuzco frowned, sat back against the wall of his transport. “Maybe we should start yelling for help and screaming and flailing our arms around a lot.”

“Just because there’s no one here to help us? Talk about spoiled!”

He pointed at a spot over her shoulder. “That’s not the reason. Puma over your shoulder and it looks really mad.” He already had a foot out the door. “Race you to the nearest super high tree!”

Amiya did scream. She would inform him later that it was a very regal scream. “Pumas can climb, Kuzco!”

“They can?!” He said. “Who taught them to do that?!”

Amiya let out a groan and dragged him toward the blue, glimmering, sparkling patch in the distance. It was a lake – deep and running true, perfect to hide in. She threw Kuzco in fully and bodily before diving into the water herself and letting the cool rushes wash over her head.

Kuzco held his breath. She held her breath. They waited to be eaten alive but the moment somehow, miraculously never came.

They surfaced and simply stared at one another. They were water-logged, soaked to the bone, and shivering from the chill. Her makeup was running. His hair was plastered sideways to his head. They looked as goofy as goofy could be.

And they burst out laughing at the very sight of each other.

That was how Kronk found them moments later. “Uh,” he said, “Were you guys calling for me?”

They exchanged another look and fell back, squeaking with laughter, into the drink.

&&&&&

The rest of the trip to the palace was far less eventful, even boring. Kuzo had to admit that the relative peace of the palace was something of a relief after the whole chasey-chasey thing.

He found himself lounging on the throne, with Amiya nearby, throwing a ball for Yzma that the cat pointedly ignored.

“You have to get exercise,” Amiya informed the cat. “Don’t you want your kitty nibblins?”

“I’m no cat! I’m a human being! And I’m going to slay you!”

“Sure you will, honey. Get the ball.” 

The cat grumbled a curse under her breath, but she rolled off of the counter to obey the woman. And Kuzco couldn’t help but grin at the taming, feeling that hiring Amiya was the smartest thing he’d ever done. 

It was good to be the Emperor.

**Author's Note:**

> I had quite a bit of fun trying to imagine what kind of girls various kingdoms sent over to Kuzco as a bride prospect. Thus was born Amiya. I hope you liked what I did, happy Yuletide!


End file.
